Its tough. And it hurts. I cry at the drop of  a hat.
And I cry more thinking it must be hurting you on a much deeper level.

What a roller coaster it has been!!

From hating to loving you back.

From your ignorance to your care for tiny things.

You cut through my heart at ease. Your every little gesture does that to me.

But above all..love transcends time & space.

its fucking crazy.

Its crazy that I have capacity to love so much again.

Its crazy that I shocked myself out to know I love you anymore yet.

When I see you in the eye , I can catch the ghost of our past.
I can see how  you feel.
But to live it..I want to drown in your soul. Get into your head.
Beat in your heart.
I want to become you and feel what you feel for me.
I want to test your pain for me.
So that when am myself again..I can ease it.
And bring our past to peace.

If there were a 100 ways to hurt me..I'd bet he wld find all those 100s to rattle my soul.

we never know what can hurt us - untill it does

vulnerability

Is like fighting to stand still in gushing winds..

Is letting him use those 100 ways...

Kiss

Yeah maybe every kiss doesn't mean something.

But kisses are still very very expensive.

I'm bankrupt due to them.

This is sooo fucked up.

You're literally more than grey - you're 50 shades of grey!!

I'm so determined to not let my heart make any decisions whereas somewhere in the background its always nudging me to pull this along ...when I also have this great inner feeling that it is some form of sham. A mometarily lovely feeling ( or fling ? ) but still a sham.

I'm not scared to be hurt. I can manage that. I've taken so much of bullshit in these few years.

What am scared about is that you will disappoint me. That you are not being true.

That is what makes me so protective.

I cannot bulletproof my safe zone

Its almost a teenage feeling. Like when a guy you like starts dating someone else.

But the thing is we're all grown ups now and yet am feeling that bitter pinch & disappointment.

The guy I crushed for 4 years is getting engaged. And it feels uh just too blaahh.

I knew I cldn't be friend friends with him. It was already too late. But always had this thing that I must get one chance to talk to him.  And I did.

At some point I started feeling why'd he be interested in me. I hate this part. Where I don't fit in. Where I think I don't fit in. And it sucks really.

Fuck. Its really  not fair.

I wanted to mark him my territory.  I wanted to stamp him mine.

There were no questions about insecurities. I knew already I'd loose him.  But not now. Not today. Not here.  Not at this moment , I thought.
There was only a fever of possession growing exponentially every passing minute. 
Time was ticking away too fast.

And then I ran out of lives in this game that I played.

He already belonged to someone else.