Its tough. And it hurts. I cry at the drop of  a hat.
And I cry more thinking it must be hurting you on a much deeper level.

What a roller coaster it has been!!

From hating to loving you back.

From your ignorance to your care for tiny things.

You cut through my heart at ease. Your every little gesture does that to me.

But above all..love transcends time & space.

its fucking crazy.

Its crazy that I have capacity to love so much again.

Its crazy that I shocked myself out to know I love you anymore yet.

When I see you in the eye , I can catch the ghost of our past.
I can see how  you feel.
But to live it..I want to drown in your soul. Get into your head.
Beat in your heart.
I want to become you and feel what you feel for me.
I want to test your pain for me.
So that when am myself again..I can ease it.
And bring our past to peace.

If there were a 100 ways to hurt me..I'd bet he wld find all those 100s to rattle my soul.

we never know what can hurt us - untill it does

vulnerability

Is like fighting to stand still in gushing winds..

Is letting him use those 100 ways...

Kiss

Yeah maybe every kiss doesn't mean something.

But kisses are still very very expensive.

I'm bankrupt due to them.

This is sooo fucked up.

You're literally more than grey - you're 50 shades of grey!!

I'm so determined to not let my heart make any decisions whereas somewhere in the background its always nudging me to pull this along ...when I also have this great inner feeling that it is some form of sham. A mometarily lovely feeling ( or fling ? ) but still a sham.

I'm not scared to be hurt. I can manage that. I've taken so much of bullshit in these few years.

What am scared about is that you will disappoint me. That you are not being true.

That is what makes me so protective.

I cannot bulletproof my safe zone

Its almost a teenage feeling. Like when a guy you like starts dating someone else.

But the thing is we're all grown ups now and yet am feeling that bitter pinch & disappointment.

The guy I crushed for 4 years is getting engaged. And it feels uh just too blaahh.

I knew I cldn't be friend friends with him. It was already too late. But always had this thing that I must get one chance to talk to him.  And I did.

At some point I started feeling why'd he be interested in me. I hate this part. Where I don't fit in. Where I think I don't fit in. And it sucks really.

Fuck. Its really  not fair.

I wanted to mark him my territory.  I wanted to stamp him mine.

There were no questions about insecurities. I knew already I'd loose him.  But not now. Not today. Not here.  Not at this moment , I thought.
There was only a fever of possession growing exponentially every passing minute. 
Time was ticking away too fast.

And then I ran out of lives in this game that I played.

He already belonged to someone else.

Twisted love

It hurts me to see him heartbroken.  But I can't tend to his wounds. I have my own to cater to. And even if I want to...wouldn't that add salt to mine ?

I fight so hard to not be in love. I choose not loving. And I don't even want to know whether I'm really in love or not. I don't wish to contemplate over that.
But there's obviously some feeling some bond  some magic that wishes to come out of its shell and get wrapped up in the warmth of this friendship.

However the feeling isn't reciprocated.  I don't know what will change if it does. Probably make me happier ? And that's about it. Because there's nothing more that I want to take it from that point. I'm being selfish. And yet I so badly yearn for it to be given back to me.
Once.
Just once.

Maybe then I can lend him a shoulder to cry on.
Fill his wounds  , unkowingly how he could fill mine.

Sometimes your  relation with someone is so perfect , so dear that if you wanna  avoid it from getting spoiled...

You have to break it.

So that a relation so beautiful and consequent to its beauty - so vulnerable ; doesn't induce any amount of complexity and hatred.
 So that it doesn't sew any unnecessary stories.
And so that its charm doesn't diminish.

Such a relation is so pivotal , the more you hold onto it..the more it slips away from you.
So you have to let go and let it be.

Because wanting more out of that precious thing will outworn it.

Its heart-wrenching.

And yet unknowingly it will heal many hidden wounds. 

We were never quite on the same page. That hurts.

You don't understand me. And guess what ? You never really tried either. That hurts.

 I put a lot of my heart into you. That hurts.

I thought you put just as much your heart into me. But that was never the case. That hurts.

One doesn't have to be in love to get hurt. Loving someone to want them by your side and spend time and yet none of that happening ..well yeah that hurts.

trade off

The heart is never wrong.

Its probably the brain doing all the talking.

But the heart doesn't lie.

It will never cheat on you.

Its your own wish fullness that cheats you.

What you want.. against what you're actually getting.

*** Thank you for everything. And yet , no thanks.

Burn with me

Feel my pain.

Let the flames engulf you.

Let the fire pierce through your deepest wounds.

Scream aloud.

 

Burn.Fire.Kill.You.

How much can you empty yourself out.

On Hold.

Its is  wicked how I think of you at weird moments.
While tying the shoe laces.
While filling the water cooler.
While flipping channels.

No matter how much I deny myself a right to relive the memories..I still find myself thinking about you - almost like a lightening bolt - all of a sudden , fierce and scary - a pang so powerful it drains me out.

You take away the smile from me.

It is raining. I hate to think of you when I watch the sky drizzling.

It reminds me of a time dimension when nothing had happened.

When I would crave for you just as much as I did yesterday or maybe even today.

You fill me up with a heavy heart.

A burden so strong...the rain from my eyes begin to pour down.

Tell me why you're gone.

Tell me why haven't you withdrawn.

Uncanny silence.

My heart is thumping loudly.

Is it grieving ?

Perhaps , bleeding.

I was always intrigued by unhappy endings in love stories.

It captivated me.Tantalized.


I didn't want it for myself though.

I HATE YOU!

I hate you for everything you did to me.

I hate you for being so shameless.

I fucking hate you.

I'm erasing you. Slowly and gradually I'm sure I will completely write you off.
I get stuck on whether I should forgive you or not.
If I don't..a part of you will always remain with me. If I do , it would mean letting you and all the baggage along with it  - go. Just let go ..fade away with layers of dust.So that I would never be able to withdraw the envelopes.
 That would be a good thing to do..but then I wonder why is it not coming easy to forgive you ?

I've reached a point where I don't demand answers. I guess there is nothing to answer.
And that is changing things.. that is to say even when I am hurting every time I think of all this..I hardly cry. I hardly yell inside.
Not wanting to know anything anymore has turned into a mechanism of its own kind - leaving me bittersweet , yet helping me pull along , pushing me to give up and move on.

It will always be a sad end for me. I took chances.So maybe there is nothing to regret. I didn't want to believe you were bad because that is the extent to which I liked you.
Just liked you , a lot lot , but only liked.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

Wish you'd known that and having known that , had some respect for our relation.

I could only wish. Its that sad.

letting you go off is getting difficult..am holding you back tight with all the memories wrapped around...why would you hurt me so much..why would you not care once....

You drilled a hole in my heart.