This is sooo fucked up.

You're literally more than grey - you're 50 shades of grey!!

I'm so determined to not let my heart make any decisions whereas somewhere in the background its always nudging me to pull this along ...when I also have this great inner feeling that it is some form of sham. A mometarily lovely feeling ( or fling ? ) but still a sham.

I'm not scared to be hurt. I can manage that. I've taken so much of bullshit in these few years.

What am scared about is that you will disappoint me. That you are not being true.

That is what makes me so protective.

I cannot bulletproof my safe zone

Its almost a teenage feeling. Like when a guy you like starts dating someone else.

But the thing is we're all grown ups now and yet am feeling that bitter pinch & disappointment.

The guy I crushed for 4 years is getting engaged. And it feels uh just too blaahh.

I knew I cldn't be friend friends with him. It was already too late. But always had this thing that I must get one chance to talk to him.  And I did.

At some point I started feeling why'd he be interested in me. I hate this part. Where I don't fit in. Where I think I don't fit in. And it sucks really.

Fuck. Its really  not fair.

I wanted to mark him my territory.  I wanted to stamp him mine.

There were no questions about insecurities. I knew already I'd loose him.  But not now. Not today. Not here.  Not at this moment , I thought.
There was only a fever of possession growing exponentially every passing minute. 
Time was ticking away too fast.

And then I ran out of lives in this game that I played.

He already belonged to someone else.

Twisted love

It hurts me to see him heartbroken.  But I can't tend to his wounds. I have my own to cater to. And even if I want to...wouldn't that add salt to mine ?

I fight so hard to not be in love. I choose not loving. And I don't even want to know whether I'm really in love or not. I don't wish to contemplate over that.
But there's obviously some feeling some bond  some magic that wishes to come out of its shell and get wrapped up in the warmth of this friendship.

However the feeling isn't reciprocated.  I don't know what will change if it does. Probably make me happier ? And that's about it. Because there's nothing more that I want to take it from that point. I'm being selfish. And yet I so badly yearn for it to be given back to me.
Once.
Just once.

Maybe then I can lend him a shoulder to cry on.
Fill his wounds  , unkowingly how he could fill mine.

Sometimes your  relation with someone is so perfect , so dear that if you wanna  avoid it from getting spoiled...

You have to break it.

So that a relation so beautiful and consequent to its beauty - so vulnerable ; doesn't induce any amount of complexity and hatred.
 So that it doesn't sew any unnecessary stories.
And so that its charm doesn't diminish.

Such a relation is so pivotal , the more you hold onto it..the more it slips away from you.
So you have to let go and let it be.

Because wanting more out of that precious thing will outworn it.

Its heart-wrenching.

And yet unknowingly it will heal many hidden wounds. 

We were never quite on the same page. That hurts.

You don't understand me. And guess what ? You never really tried either. That hurts.

 I put a lot of my heart into you. That hurts.

I thought you put just as much your heart into me. But that was never the case. That hurts.

One doesn't have to be in love to get hurt. Loving someone to want them by your side and spend time and yet none of that happening ..well yeah that hurts.

trade off

The heart is never wrong.

Its probably the brain doing all the talking.

But the heart doesn't lie.

It will never cheat on you.

Its your own wish fullness that cheats you.

What you want.. against what you're actually getting.

*** Thank you for everything. And yet , no thanks.